I haven’t written in a couple of days because Sunday did not go well. The night before, I was beginning to feel a little better about things. My son and I went to a movie and lunch, my husband had to work instead of getting to play Dungeons and Dragons, and I found Tiny Buddah on Facebook and was enjoying some of the quotes on there. I was beginning to think that I was ready to move on from complaining and was going to start writing some inspiration.
Then Sunday came and I woke up to my husband already playing Ark with his friend. Then my son hopped on. So I was sitting there, already abandoned by 7:15 am. I was supposed to see my mom and run some errands. I swung by my moms to drop something off and told her I couldn’t stay because I was too grumpy. Then I started to drive. I did feel a little better when I came home. I was able to talk to my husband and son without yelling, but then, we all went our separate ways – them to their computers and me to my tv.
I’ve been reading articles online and talking to people, and according to the internet, acceptance is the key to inner peace. And I am enough. But how does accepting the way I feel abandoned supposed to make me feel loved? If I am enough, shouldn’t I see my husband as enough instead of wanting more from him?
I’m still struggling with my boss too. I’m still upset that positivity is going to be one of my goals, and my goals are late because apparently they aren’t important enough to him to turn them in.
But I’m holding on to hope that I’m not a terrible person who deserves to feel this way. A coworker came in on Tuesday and we had a great talk about how I was feeling. She’s not a Polyanna either but it doesn’t bother her. Then another coworker gave me a cute notecard to thank me for a project I had done that inadvertently had a positive impact on her. And another department manager today thanked me for all I do because she acknowledged that I don’t get the praise I should. I am grateful that other people who work with me and know me think I am worthy. I just wish I could focus on that.
So I am still working on letting go and knowing that I am enough. And I am still confused on acceptance vs. being empowered to ask for what I want. I’m still on the hunt for the insightful one line quote that will give me clarity. I’m still hopeful that one day I will blog about insightful, powerful ideas and realizations.