My True Self

I want to be my true self. I remember the young woman I used to be and I want to be her again. I want to be able to speak my mind, do the things I want to do, and dream of the person I want to be when I grow up. But now I’m forty. Married for twelve years to a man who loves me, but breaks my heart. Mother to a wonderful son who I pray will grow up to be a better person than his parents. Admin Assistant at an unfulfilling job.

I can’t be my true self.  My husband has Asperger’s so I need to live in his world of rules and no emotion. My boss wants me to be cheerful and delightful even though I’m so sad in my heart. I want to be happy, but I can only remember certain, individual times when I was happy. I imagine that if I am my true self, I will be happy. But how can I be my true self if when I am, I upset my husband, or offend a coworker? How can I be my true self in the confines of society?

I hope that keeping this blog will help me express my feelings and emotions in a safe environment. I chose “A Reflection Of My True Self” because right now I feel the opposite of myself, like a mirror shows the opposite in a reflection. I hope that I will eventually accept myself through blogging so I can feel empowered to be my true self, without worrying about what other people think, so that one day I can see my true self in my reflection.

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